TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Of course, confident, let's have A different spot exactly where American Adult males can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: present Everybody a collection to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate electricity," reported political Trump Tower Damascus strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It really is that he ought to stop applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the undertaking, replied, "You realize, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from Room, a characteristic remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after getting the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not only hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by company may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is now attracting interest from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will also include:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge wherever my PTSD can have transform-down assistance."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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